The Validation Trap: Becoming free in an unfree world

As humans, one of our greatest superpowers is the ability to visualize the future and engage in rational thought. We can imagine a world that doesn’t even exist; perhaps a world that is better than our current state. In this world we are probably healthier, smarter, happier, better-looking, and living our lives exactly as we please.

Yet, despite this ability to visualize our ideal lives, far too often we find ourselves discarding our dreams and visions because we are also extraordinarily sensitive to thoughts and opinions of others, and how society will react to us for pursuing a path that deviates from the status quo.

Robert Greene discusses this phenomenon in his book, Mastery, by describing what he calls our “primal inclination” which is the internal force that naturally drives us towards our curiosities. However, Greene says that in the intervening years this force fades out as we place higher value on our parents and peers, ultimately leading to a sense of unhappiness and lack of connection. Instead, we begin to prioritize validation rather than our inclination.

Our drive for validation and social acceptance may seem shallow. But when we take a closer look, we see that it is deeply rooted in a concept that justifies our behaviors to an extent. To get to the bottom of it we need to take a look at the most basic elements of human nature. When we do this, we can not only understand why we put the opinions of others before our own wishes and desires, but we also lay the groundwork for being able to navigate the world in a way that leaves us more fulfilled and purpose-driven.

At our most primal level, most of us have a built-in mechanism that prioritizes other peoples’ opinions over our own.

Fight or flight

The limbic system is responsible for the raw emotions that we experience along with our survival instinct, while our frontal cortex controls the levers of rational thought. Survival instinct is something that we share with most other animals to one degree or another, and certainly all mammals. These instincts are so critical that they oftentimes serve as our default settings and will frequently involuntarily override our rational thoughts produced in the frontal cortex.

For example, if we’re about to get hit by a speeding bus, or something hops out of the bushes that we’re walking past late at night, our limbic system immediately kicks in and makes us respond without thinking. In this case, we don’t want to stand there contemplating all of the possible outcomes and thinking rationally about the appropriate response. Our fight or flight responses are triggered and we are jumping out of the way (or freezing in place) before our rational minds have a chance of assessing the situation. Our rational minds will get us killed in these cases.

Unfortunately, this also means that we respond irrationally and involuntarily to non-threatening things. Fear of heights, birds, public speaking come to mind here.

Fear of isolation as a survival mechanism

Different animals have different survival strategies. Some animals evolved incredible strength and speed (big cats), while others survive through strength in numbers (ants) where the collective effort of a group exponentially increases its chances of survival. For humans, strength in numbers is part of our survival strategy. No human can individually take down an ape, or a hippo, or a lion. But when working as a team, we are able to out maneuver, outflank, out run, and ultimately outsmart even the highest of apex predators.

This strength in numbers has also enabled us to build empires and benefit from the collective body of all human knowledge that has been learned before us. Being social, is highly beneficial. Nicholas Christakis goes into exceptional detail about this in his book “Blueprint: Evolutionary Origins of a Good Society” where he discusses the “social suite” of characteristics that are genetically hardcoded into all humans across cultures.

For this reason, socialization is one of those basic requirements for human survival. Only the most highly trained and skilled experts can survive in isolation for any appreciable amount of time, but even in these cases it is not without some sort of psychological impact. For the vast majority of us, however, social isolation is a death sentence in every sense. Physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically; we simply are not loner creatures. We are pack animals that MUST interact with others to have our basic needs fulfilled.

Social isolation is so detrimental to the human animal that it is considered to be among the most brutal forms of punishment via solitary confinement and being exiled. Furthermore, being isolated from others for prolonged periods of time is shown to have profound impacts on mood, general health, as well as cognitive functioning. In fact, one recent study pointed to a 27% increase in dementia among older people who were living socially isolated lives.

Our limbic system is programmed to avoid social isolation at all costs, and rightfully so. Back in prehistoric times, this survival mechanism made much more sense, as humans existed in much smaller tribes, and being accepted by the tribe was an absolute necessity, and being outcasted for acting in a way the disrupted the order of the tribe was a very real possibility. Back then there were no safe spaces, no inalienable rights, no inclusion. You were either in or you were out. You were part of the tribe or you were not. If you were not, then your odds of finding food, being protected from predators, finding a mate, and overall survival drop precipitously.

For the sake of our own survival, our limbic system is doing its job by triggering visceral fear responses within our minds in reaction to criticism and disapproval from others. As far as our limbic system is concerned, social disapproval is a death sentence, and it will do whatever it takes to avoid such fate. Our frontal cortex may understand otherwise, but for the untrained mind our rational thoughts are simply incapable of overriding the fight or flight reactions.

Social deviance is no longer a matter of life or death

Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, in the modern age this primal survival mechanism is still with us despite the need for it being much less.

Over the past several thousand years, societies have experienced a cultural evolution that has resulted in groups that are centered around nations of millions rather than small tribes of 150 or fewer people. We no longer depend on being accepted by the smaller group, and participate in a much larger collection of people that interact on a more transactional basis.

This means that, as a US citizen, so long as I have money I can go into virtually any store and buy food irrespective of people’s approval of me. Furthermore as a citizen that is part of a nation, I enjoy legal protections that afford me, to one extent or another, the freedom to deviate from the norm without fear of exclusion in the way that our prehistoric ancestors may have faced by their smaller tribe. Sure, some may disapprove of our actions, yet we still retain our citizenship and all of the rights guaranteed by said citizenship (in theory at least).

This concept of belonging to a nation and having citizenship with certain guaranteed protections is so extraordinarily new in the timeline of human history that our brains are still programmed to operate as if social acceptance and validation is requirement for survival.

For most of us it takes a conscious effort to break out of the frame of mind that defaults to a fight or flight reaction to negative opinions from other people. It takes deliberate practice of frequent rejection and criticism to eventually become comfortable with the discomfort of disapproval, and not living up to other people’s expectations.

Becoming free in an unfree world

When we do liberate ourselves from the validation hamster-wheel, we open ourselves up to a new reality in which we have a newfound autonomy over our life satisfaction.

We become free to choose career paths that don’t come with prestige or a fancy title but do greatly satisfy our curiosities. We become free to express ourselves in ways that are more genuine and authentic, creating congruency between our thoughts and our actions which strengthens our integrity. And we are able to create a more purposeful life that aligns with our own personal values, and our primal inclinations.

When we do this, we elevate ourselves into a new realm of existence. We begin to live our truth rather than merely exist in someone else’s. We are no longer boxed in by the pressures to conform to society’s expectations, and instead are primed to blaze a new trail that is both deeply satisfying and inspiring. We create space in our lives to become experts in the things that naturally pique our interests, rather than being mediocre in the things society tells us we should do. We unlock our dimensional minds, and we gain the satisfaction of a life fulfilled.