In 2024, I have experienced a number of fairly drastic life changes.
After 20 years of working the 9-5 corporate life, I walked away from my job with nothing else lined up, making this period the first time in my adult life that I willingly have no immediately pressing job or academic obligations.
I moved from Chicago to Lisbon, meaning I parted ways with friends, and other’s who have played a major role in shaping my lifestyle, relationships, and social interactions in recent years.
I quit drinking alcohol, which is a decision that fundamentally alters how I interact with people, how I pass time, and how I carry out my lifestyle on the whole.
And as I type this, I am actively in the process of selling my home, which was a source of pride, joy, and stability for me as I spent much time personalizing it to serve as a representation of my identity.
I made these four major life-altering decisions in the span of a few months. At the risk of sounding boastful, my experience is that many people will struggle with making just one of these sorts of decisions in their lifetimes, let alone four of them at once.
So how do I do it? How did I make multiple major life decisions in a short period of time without being terrorized by the cloud of anxiety and uncertainty that typically would come with such changes?
Well there are many things I can highlight, such as stepping outside of my comfort zone, getting deep clarity on my life vision, etc.. These things are in fact quite important. But if I had to point to one quality that is of utmost importance, it would be the ability to “let go.”
What do I mean by letting go?
Well, as humans we have a tendency to attach to people, places, and things that reaffirm the ideas that we hold about ourselves. These external factors contribute greatly to shaping our identities, and any time one of these factors changes, it represents a sort of internal “death” of the identity that we’ve come to know.
We hold many identities for ourselves, but they play a major role in driving our thoughts and actions. For example…
I am X’s partner
I am an accomplished corporate professional
I am an upper-middle class citizen
I am a New Yorker
Etc
Our conscious and subconscious minds are hardwired to process the world through these identities that we have attached ourselves to. Our brain chemistry, our physiology, our physical beings are not only programmed to operate within the context of the identity that we hold of ourselves, but also come with seemingly insurmountable inertia that takes extraordinary levels of discomfort to alter.
So letting go of the ideas that we have of ourselves requires breaking an addiction….
An addiction to our identities….
Even when the identities that we’ve latched onto are no longer serving us well.
I am no mental health professional so I will turn to the textbook definition of what it means to be addicted:
Exhibiting a compulsive, chronic, physiological, or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity.
I realize “addiction” is more so associated with behaviors that are generally not accepted in society (excessive drinking, drugs, etc.).
However, the above definition easily applies to attachments to people, places, and things that fall well within the realm of socially acceptable behavior.
The truth is that much of our lives are compulsive and chronic. Much of our lives are not only habitual, but also these habits are extremely uncomfortable to break. In some cases, they may even result in a form of withdrawal or another.
We may be in a relationship with a person who is not a good fit, and therefore limiting our potential to develop a deeper connection with a more suitable partner. However, the pain of detaching from the familiarity that comes with that relationship could keep us in it longer than we need to.
We may have dreams to pursue our interests in entrepreneurship. However, the pain of abandoning the status, the job title, and the comfort that comes with a steady pay check could be holding us back from ever leaving our jobs and pursuing something more aligned with our vision.
We may want to get out of the hustle and bustle of the big city and move to a quiet beach town in another State or country. However, the pain of no longer having the pride of being a part of that larger community could be holding us back from placing ourselves into geographies that are more appropriate for our needs.
These are addictions that are not necessarily self-destructive, but rather they are self-limiting. In other words, rather than extreme downside, there also exist addictions that prevent us from achieving our extreme upside potential.
I firmly believe that who you were yesterday is not who you are today, and who you are today is not who you need to be tomorrow. Death and rebirth of self is a natural aspect of the growth process, not unlike a snake shedding it’s skin, or a moose losing and then regrowing it’s antlers, or flowers dying before re-blooming in the spring.
It is natural for the human to experience multiple lives within a single lifetime.
So in this context, the death of one identity is just a natural part of life. It is the catalyst for the birth of a new one.
The past no longer exists and the present will not last for ever. With time, the circumstances of our lives will change, our wants and desires will shift, our needs will evolve, and with them so must our identities.
There comes a point in everyone’s life where an identity that served a person well in the past is no longer serving them well.
That lifestyle they pride themselves in living is no longer the lifestyle they need to be living for the next chapter in their life.
That partner that brought them joy and memories in the past is no longer the partner they need to be dating for the next chapter in their life.
That career that offered a generous salary and status is no longer the career path that aligns with that person’s newfound focus on prioritizing physical and mental health.
Having this level of awareness helps to identify moments in life where death and rebirth are essential for decluttering one’s life and making space for new opportunities.
In my case, viewing the world through this framework has given me a license to let go of previous lives. It has helped me to be okay with the unpleasantness of “loss”… of accepting that what once existed is no longer.
And most importantly, it has helped me to shift my focus from remaining attached to the past, to being aligned with my future potential.
I now see that there MUST be some form of death of previously held notions of “who I am” before I can create space for new opportunities that have the potential to drastically elevate my life.
Accepting this concept has helped me to move on from the attachments and identities that I previously held, and shift from a mindset of scarcity to one of abundance.
I no longer dwell on what I am “losing” when I decide to make life-changing decisions because I am too focused on what I am gaining in return.
My challenge for you is this….
I want you to consider what aspects of your own life may have served you well in the past but are no longer aligned with your future. Think about which identities you hold for yourself and decide whether or not it is truly in step with the life you truly want for yourself.
Are you seriously trying to leave the rat race to become an entrepreneur? If so, then is the identity of being a gainfully employed career professional holding you back?
Are you seriously trying to break bad lifestyle habits to elevate your health and fitness? If so, then is the identity of being a craft beer connoisseur or a social drinker holding you back?
Are you seriously trying to travel and experience life in different countries? If so, then is the identity of being a responsible homeowner holding you back?
What major life decision has been waiting in the shadows for you to finally detach from outdated believes about how your life should be lived, and finally stop swimming against the ever-changing tides of life?